


at least i got you (in my head)

by joonswig



Series: Panwink Is Superior [2]
Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, ambiguous ending but like rather bittersweet, fucked up sleep schedules, he doesnt deserve the slander, holy fuck, i wrote a solid majority of this under the influence of red bull so bear with me, im sorry guanlin, inspired by that wanna one go episode and sleepover by hayley "queen of the gays" kiyoko, one sided panwink, this was purely therapeutical and self indulgent im sorry, was this projecting every single insecurity on a kpop idol? yes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 14:08:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12014382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joonswig/pseuds/joonswig
Summary: "Why aren't you asleep?"





	at least i got you (in my head)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LittlePrinceCyanide](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittlePrinceCyanide/gifts).



> disclaimer: in no way did i intend to romanticise mental issues, having an unrequited gay crush is just another problem on guanlin's plate i guess, plus there is no romance. bcoz. panwink is one sided. how fun.

They’re sharing a bed tonight. One bed. One small bed that is barely enough for one person, let alone two. Guanlin tries telling his heart _to chill a little perhaps_ , but it races uncontrollably as Jihoon lies down next to him. The latter snuggles comfortably next to the distraught boy and bids him goodnight. Guanlin fights the urge to scoff, because The Audacity. Jihoon, he reasons, is exactly why his night will absolutely not be a good one. He’ll be lucky to sleep an hour, two tops. Not like he gets to sleep much more on a usual day.

 

_Jihoon pulls him close and lays his head on Guanlin’s chest. He wraps his arms around the younger’s torso and asks him if he’s comfortable. Guanlin has never been more comfortable in his life._

 

Guanlin tries making himself comfortable but fails, shivering as he accidentally brushes his arm against Jihoon’s. He closes his eyes, but opens them a second later just to take a look at the sleeping boy, who looks stunning, despite his hair being a mess, his cheeks being squished against the pillow and his makeup gone completely. This is nice. Guanlin might be confused about a thing or two (or a thousand), but he’s sure that Jihoon looks prettiest like that. He wants to tuck away the loose strands of hair that cover his hyung’s soft features, stroke his cheek gently, feel the boy’s skin against his fingertips. It takes all his willpower not to do so. Guanlin deals with moments like this quite often recently, ever since Jihoon and him started living together. He’s usually open to his affection towards the older, but it’s never this intimate, never so private. 

 

_Jihoon opens his eyes to meet Guanlin’s and gives him a smile. He reaches out, cupping the younger’s cheeks and leans in. When their lips meet, it feels like everything makes sense. Like destiny drop kicking your ass in the most clement way._

 

Guanlin turns around, as gently and quietly as possible, so as not to wake up Jihoon. He has been working so hard for the past few months and always seems tired. Were it up to Guanlin, their schedules would allow more rest, much more of it. All of them are exhausted, physically and mentally, and he hates seeing Jihoon and the others suffer. It’s funny, he thinks, how quickly it went from “The Hyungs” to “Jihoon and the Others”. He stares at the wall in front of him, as if it could help him fall asleep finally. It doesn’t. He tries counting sheep, but finds himself counting Jihoons in the span of a few seconds. Guanlin is so worn out and he’s close to breaking down at the inability to fall asleep now that he’s got the chance.

 

_“Why aren’t you asleep?” Jihoon asks._

 

_“I’m too busy.”_

 

_“Staring at me?”_

 

_“Amongst other things, yes.”_

 

_Jihoon sighs and runs his hand through Guanlin’s hair._

 

_“Come on, baby. You need to sleep, right? For me.”_

 

_The younger boy feels like melting at how domestic this is and how Jihoon fits so perfectly in his arms. It’s almost like he can do anything._

 

_“I was thinking…” he whispers, but the older interrupts him._

 

_“Well, that’s new!”_

 

_“Shut up. As I was saying, we’re gonna go to Taiwan in a few months, right?”_

 

_Jihoon nods._

 

_“Maybe I could show you around? Or just take you out somewhere? There’s a lot of shit-”_

 

_“Language!”_

 

_“There’s a lot of stuff we can see and I really wanna have you see some of the places I like.”_

 

_“Okay,” Jihoon says, sleepily. “I’d love that.”_

 

The thing Guanlin probably hates most about this entire situation he found himself stuck in is that both Jihoon and himself are boys. He never had anything against homosexuality, or any sexuality for the matter, but now that he’s experiencing this - things are different. He curls his fists, overtaken by fear. Sometimes, he can’t help but imagine his family’s reaction. In the best case scenario they would despise him, break off all contact and disown him. Guanlin’s friends and bandmates - no different. The boy can’t even bring himself to think about how Jihoon’s response to knowing he’s the one who triggered it. Or rather, made the younger come to terms with something he’s been suppressing for the longest time. He sees his entire career in shambles, everything he’s working so hard on flush down the drain. No one in the world can accept him, not even himself.

 

_“We could visit my parents, they’ve been dying to meet you,”Guanlin says, excitement lacing his voice._

 

_“Do they know we’re…”_

 

_“Yes. They love me all the same. Even if they didn’t, I wouldn’t care. You’re it for me.”_

 

_“Stop objectifying me, ass.”_

 

_Guanlin laughs, “I would never, you know what I mean. But really, you here, with me, it’s worth so much more than acceptance. And I’m so glad I have both.”_

 

_Jihoon presses his lips against Guanlin’s and whispers, “You, too. You’re worth more than anything in the world.”_

 

Guanlin breathes in and out, in and out, inhales and exhales. Counts to ten, once, twice, thrice, but it’s just not working. His hands are still shaking, his lungs feel constrained and he can’t seem to be able to calm down. He is trembling, cowering in fear, wanting to just go back home and bury his face into his mother’s shoulder. God, how Guanlin misses her, home, everyone. Things were so much easier back in Taiwan, now he’s so exhausted, so worn out, so alone. He chokes on a sob, not wanting anyone, especially Jihoon, to see him like that. Powerless. Miserable. Failure.

 

Jihoon stirs next to him and Guanlin freezes. Literally. He tries pretending he’s asleep, but fails apparently when suddenly his hyung’s hushed voice startles him.

 

“Why aren’t you asleep?” Jihoon asks, his warm breath fanning Guanlin’s ear.

 

“I can't," Guanlin sniffs, covering his swollen face with the duvet. “H-how did you even know?”

 

“You breathe differently when you sleep, but that’s not important, now. Come on, turn around.” Guanlin obeys, reluctantly, and faces Jihoon’s concerned stare.

 

“What’s wrong, Lin-ah?”

 

Everything. “It’s nothing, hyung, don’t worry about me. Please.” 

 

Jihoon sighs and manoeuvres on the small bed, so that now Guanlin’s head is tucked safely underneath the older’s chin. 

 

“I can’t _not_ worry about you, yeah?”

 

“I’m sorry,” Guanlin stammers.

 

“It’s not your fault, hey. But you’re my friend and I love you, you can’t expect me not to be concerned when I find you crying in the middle of the night. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, I promise, but please get some sleep now.”

 

“Thank you, hyung.”

 

“No problem. Really.”

 

“Hyung?”

 

Jihoon hums, encouraging the younger to continue.

 

“Will you be there when I wake up?” 

 

Jihoon doesn’t point out the fact that it’s literally impossible for him to move further than a meter away from Guanlin, simply hugs him tightly and nods. 

 

It takes a while, but Guanlin falls asleep, the beat of the older’s heart calming him down. And waking up in Jihoon’s arms the following morning with a peaceful smile on his face, he concludes that he’s never slept better in his life. 

 

_Jihoon wakes him up in the morning, or noon rather, pressing a soft kiss against his forehead. Guanlin tickles him and they spend the morning rolling around, giggling like kids and not caring about anything or anyone else. Guanlin holds Jihoon in his arms, just because he can and the other lets him, welcomes the affection, reciprocates it even, albeit shyly, and the younger falls in love over and over again because that’s the effect Jihoon has on him. He wouldn’t want to have it any other way._

 

They have to get up at 5 a.m. as they have schedules all day long and everyone is in a hurry. Jihoon and Guanlin barely even have a chance to talk, but the older sends a supportive smile his way during breakfast, so it’s okay. They sit next to each other in the car and Guanlin falls in love with the way Jihoon lies his head tiredly on the boy’s shoulder. He wishes more than anything else in the world to spend the day just watching his hyung sleep. But Guanlin learned that you can’t always get what you want. 

**Author's Note:**

> if u actually survived ily hi, im on[tt](https://twitter.com/loonamono) if anyone wanna hmu i cant believe i did this to myself


End file.
